Child Training

If we desire to develop and maintain positive and life giving relationships with others, it is important to discover our own capacity and then to learn to read that of others. One of the lost relational skills is the ability to tell when someone is overwhelmed. We need to have people in our lives who have the ability to read non-verbal cues that show when others are over capacity and download that skill from a more mature mind. It is part of God’s design that parents and older people will impart this skill into the lives of their children and community during infancy.

If a parent does not possess this skill and a child is in a disorganized, distracted or dismissive style home, that child may miss this important download and will struggle to gain healthy balance in knowing their own capacity and that of others.

Learning to recognize and respect overwhelm can be learned by being part of a joyful community where the members love one another and where the stronger and more mature minds and willing to enter in and spend time with those who may be weaker in some areas. Living in joy with others means we are glad to be together in spite of our, “malfunctions”.

We are a culture over capacity, and it’s time to take a breather and find out what we need to do to THRIVE and live in JOY.

To learn more about JOYFUL relationships and the skills you need to THRIVE.


In our 21 year journey of parenting and home educating our family, we have tried to let our 6 children experience many activities from art to music to photography and filmmaking, various sports, shooting, hunting, traveling, attending camps where they learn about civics and leadership, serving in the church and the community. We hope they will each find things they enjoy and fulfill God’s purpose in their lives. Some are “good” at some things and others thrive when serving or reading or doing community service. We have pursued some “competitive ” things and most of my children have won awards, elections, ribbons for something, have shot a bullseye or graced a stage.

This year our oldest son is attending school  in the 9th grade for the first time and playing a few organized sports that he has never played other than in the backyard or a small co-op. He’s slight for his age and has often been marginalized and bullied due to his smaller stature.

This week he got to play for 4 minutes in a varsity basketball tournament and he took a great 3 point shot from pretty far out. The ball went in and out of the hoop and did not make it in. My honest thought as a mom was, “I am so proud of him for taking that shot”.  I wished it would have gone in as I know that would have blessed his heart. I have noticed some other parents sort of looking at me at the games this year with pity, since my son sits on the bench most of the time, and I have gotten looks and comments from some other parents that let me know they feel sorry for me. It happened during football when he made a little mistake on a play as well. One of the other “student athletes” went so far recently as to say “Oh yeah, your son hardly ever gets in the game even on JV.” I smiled and said “He’s a really good sport and wants to support the team, and honestly, he is here for the people” It’s true, my son loves to be with people and is happy to be part of a team, he realizes that we did not “specialize” in sports when he was young and he’s not tall, or built or super aggressive in sports. He enjoys playing and being with friends.

The other night after the car ride home from a game 2 1/2 hours a way ( yes I drove 6 hours to attend a game where my son played the last 4 minutes of a game with a 40 point margin in the score) my son said to me ” Mom, thanks for not caring that I am not that great at sports, you never yell at me if I mess up and you encourage me to try my best, but you never criticize how I do.”

Okay, I can just cry now and know that my non aggressive and low competitive nature when it comes to my kids is okay. My kids are awesome, I am happy if they love the players and love the game.

Never feel sorry for me or my kids. We are doing just fine on the bench and in the stands watching and cheering for your kids if that’s their thing. Hope you do the same when it’s others turn to shine.

This culture we’ve created values loud
Rude and arrogant
Violence created to control the crowd
Shouts and harsh lashes for children
Replacing gentleness
For it takes too long
Throw the feed in the cattle car
Everyone get on
If you are different or a resistor
Better shut it or move along
Buck the system
There are places for people like you
Don’t let the door hit you as you leave
Majority rules
Too scared to speak
If you do, will you be with those cast out of false community
Friends show they are not as close as they seemed
When to stand with you, means they might have to go to the leper colony
Cold cruel world
Hate for innocents to feel that pain so young
The hand of tyranny
Pain doled out by those themselves hurting
Wisdom only comes from understanding
Nothing more precious
The price of it is steep
Gained through tears and piercing



It’s tough

It’s tender

The heart often bends and needs to mend

As you try to be, all you can for those who depend on you for everything

As they separate and become closer to grown

The burden does not really lessen

You know you will fill the memories

With good and bad

Triumphs and failures

Children look to parents to be whole and well

An example of how

To live and to love

Time be kind to the weak places

Give my children grace to overlook my mistakes

May they think of me favorably

May I learn more of how God really is and how He loves

Show them His ways

Joy come surround

Grace fill the house

In between the messy life and the loud

Strengths hold

Love be the tie that binds

May mothers have the eyes to see themselves realistically

To give each child the best they can and trust God

To mind the gap

Keep the peace

Make the ends meetImage

Don’t mistake your first crush for your real love
Don’t let one that got away get in the way of the one who will stay
Don’t let a bruise that smarts stop you from living whole hearted
Don’t let rejection keep you so self-protected
Don’t wait too long, don’t rush in too soon
Don’t be afraid of loves binding you
Do guard yourself against lesser passions
Do value the gifts you possess, you are smashing
Do take time to know yourself
Do open your eyes to love’s possibilities around you
Don’t get caught up in one type
Be flexible enough to let God give you what’s right
Do wait for the one who will be true and save the best of yourself
You will never regret not being foolish or holding out

The rod and reproof give wisdom,

but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

When the wicked increase, transgression increases,

but the righteous will look upon their downfall.

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest;

he will give delight to your heart.

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint,

but blessed is he who keeps the law.

By mere words a servant is not disciplined,

for though he understands, he will not respond.

Proverbs 29

This is a most famous passage, and often it is parceled out and used in short sections, but when looked at in context, there are some even  more remarkable tools for us to use in training our children, and in staying on course in our own journey.

I am a visionary in many ways, I thrive on planning, looking forward, thinking long term. If I am not at a place where I feel like I can be projecting in some way, I can feel like I will perish, which is exactly how the King James Version translates the passage on vision, “For without a vision, the people perish”. I totally get that.

I like the translation of casting off restraint as well, it is so accurate, if we have not light or path to follow, we will just begin to do whatever seems right in our own eyes.  So it is with children. If they are not given a direct vision, a path for their lives with understanding of what underlies it, they will wander, cast off restraint and in time they may perish.

It is the rod of correction and discipline, and the words of instruction and reproof that we give to our children in love that bring them the wisdom they need to get on and stay on the path that leads to life. When I looked at this today, I saw the joining of the need for both correction, instruction and vision all coming together in ways I have previously overlooked.

Yesterday morning I was watching a sermon on dvd with all of my children, it was a command performance for all 6, including the younger set for whom the message was over the head. I am working to train them to listen and to just absorb whatever wisdom they can.  The 3 year old was not that into it, and was wandering around, I was correcting him in a somewhat frustrated tone as I was doing some other multi-tasking at the same time as listening myself.

He asked me “Why are we watching this”?  he was looking for vision, for instruction, for the path to follow, for the big WHY, to be laid out for him. I looked at him and said “Well, we need to know what is going on in God’s Kingdom and what we are supposed to do as our part in it.”   He was not totally impressed with that answer, again a bit above the head, but I am going to follow up with him on it and give him some more insights as we move along the path.

Another tidbit from the above section of scripture is:

By mere words a servant is not disciplined,

for though he understands, he will not respond.

Often, we really do need more than just words to cause us to respond. As I think of this in regard to training my children, I recognize how imperative it is that I DO SOMETHING, not just talk them to death, which can be a real temptation and snare some days.  They want to see what I am doing and where my actions are leading in order to decide if they want to follow in my footsteps.

So challenging as I often fear I falter before their eyes and struggle to get back up when I am fumbling with my failure.

This portion is a great motivator and reminder:

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest;

he will give delight to your heart.

This truly is the desire of my heart, to have children who are disciplined, who give me peace and rest and not conflict and turmoil and who bring delight to my heart, to the heart of  God and to those around in need of people who are as such.

So, I press on, and encourage you to seek God for vision, for wisdom and for the insight to train your children in the way they should go.