This week, I had just a minute of overwhelm. We are at a crossroads of many decisions which feel, and are, impactful.
Housing, three kids education, two young adults college plans, mid-life career launch. I have been pretty chill about everything, even though it is kind of “a lot” all at once.
All of a sudden things just hit me, although I could feel the bubble for a few days. My husband, a pilot, was on day 4 of a 5 day trip on the heels of being out of town for several days prior, with only a half day touch and go in between.
I began to feel just a touch panicked about making the wrong choices. A night of restless sleep featured a dream where the paint color I am considering, a variation of white, because any other color on the walls at this point in life is destined to be overthrown as a distraction, somehow this non-color looked horrible and just ruined everything, in my dream. Like really, subconscious? White is both a statement and nothing at the same time.
In the scheme of my current life which features; buying a home, remodeling, choosing schools versus continuing not to choose them, starting a business, helping adult children with life paths, buying a new couch, processing relationships, settling into a church, pursuing ministry, seriously, the white paint is what is keeping me up at night?
On the phone with the husband who was sitting in an overly modern Japanese hotel in the Little Tokyo section of Dusseldorf, Germany, in between his meals of Pork Schnitzel and Ramen, we talked through all the items, large and small.
I often cook, I am good at it, but lately, I am just not that interested, in cooking, or food generally, I wasn’t really even jealous of my husbands foodie pics from overseas which normally might inspire imitation.
My meals with the kids this week featured Chicken Teriyaki made by my almost 16 year old from a Pinterest recipe she threw in the crock pot, fried rice from the leftovers, a Taco Bell burrito, Chick Fil A, obviously, , hamburgers with no buns, a later night Campbells Tomato soup-and grilled cheese throw together around the kitchen island, a couple rounds of tea with milk and a side of graham crackers, oh, and some Chocolate Chip scones made by the teen daughter who seems to be cooking more.
If someone picks up my slack, I won’t be offended, as long as they clean up the dishes after cooking. If not, I have realized that all will survive with variances in the family menu. Usually a greater item of concern in my spinning lists.
As I sat on one of my two grey sofas in the white walled living room of our current rental home which I had it painted non-descript before we moved in, tears and words began to fall as I talked to my husband about all these “big” things.
He too had a dream, I think it featured a dog or a cat, both possibly on the horizon to roam the larger yard at the new homestead. So he is worried about the care and feeding of pets rather than mortgages and private school tuition, and I am wigging about paint, not the much more involved, expensive, harder to change tile or hardwood flooring or the greater number of shrubs or souls to tend. Thanks dreams, for letting us see what’s important.
Husband and I had a good laugh about my crying, and I felt better, because I knew he heard me, and his shared dream experience let me know, he understood. I was freed from my impending paralysis.
The kids were at the current schools and co-ops. Energized, I scooted to my neighborhood coffee shop, ordered an espresso milkshake, zipped to a school under consideration to schedule a tour, made a final tile choice, buzzed a contractor for a bid, found my teen daughters favorite Acai Bowl truck on the other side of town and grabbed she and her friends a healthy lunch and delivered it to school in the middle of town before a test which kept her up studying too late the night before. Home in time to rest, recover, watch a mindless show on DVR, then back to pick up the people at their institutions.
Ended the afternoon with Starbucks refreshers, a Which Wich sandwich smuggled into the theater to see Peter Rabbit with my two youngest, picked up the teen and her friends at some other classmates house and then came home to eat frozen lasagna rolls from Aldi, a German company, but in the freezer incidentally.
Slept like a woman at peace after my bedtime snack of graham crackers and milk.
It’s amazing how much power can come from being heard and understood.
Stay tuned for more from my white rooms.